by Gabriel Lozada
Published 04/0?/2024
Early adulthood feels like learning how to ride a bike blindfolded with 20 different voices telling you to what to do.
The roller coaster of emotions that come with the very unstable relationships we have, the big fuck-ups that we either do or is done to us, all those failed job interviews, and just about everything, feels like chaos. Random events that we all are trying to make sense of for the sake of stability. But, what even is stability? For many years, it was first sold to us as marrying and having kids, then it was being your own-boss, and then an entrepeneur that doesn’t need to work because “passive income“ , and so it goes until the meaning of it has lost any consistency. Stability, as this perfect product to have, It’s what others and I spend most of our time looking for, but is that even possible? Is stability doable?
Spoiler: Yes it is, just maybe not in the way we think.
It may have been naive of me to think like that but the freedom and fun that adults always seemed to had, is what I imagined my adult life was going to be filled with. The nice drinking dates with friends, everyone talking about how much they either love or hate their job, and the occasional hook-up with accquantainces (or strangers) on a fun night out. Add to that my need for dramatics and queerness, and I basically had Studio 54 and a Warhol-like New York image in my head.
Of course, that was all just a lie. But It is so much not like any of it, that I just get plain sad about the whole thing.
I’m 22 years old, still very young. Yet, I sometimes find myself so close to giving up that I can’t even picture a future for myself. Now, I know that might sound a little exggerated, but then again, I’m a writer (or at least pretend to be one), and drama is what I do best, so I’ll let myself indulge in theatrics for a little bit.
I am currently “in-between jobs” which also means, I am currently unyemployed until the next gig comes (im a freelaancer),
and it feels like the most unstable time of my life. I have gone through the mental breakdowns, the wonder of wether I chose the right career, the fear of dissapointing my parents, the switch to a more coprorate job, the rejection letters, the terrible interviews, the doubt of my skills, everything. And it’s been challenging, stay-in-your-bed-and-cry challenging. I have never been filled with so much doubt as I am right now. Even worse than not being able to achieve any of those visions of stability, is not having one. I don’t know what I want. Although I know i’m not, it feels like im the only one that doesn’t, and is lonely. Everything gets lonely when you only see yourslef floating in space. Until you start to see others.
Image:
Ferdinand Bellermann. La Guayra, 1840.